the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sorry my hands just texted you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
