found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
