At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
