Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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