Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
