is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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