just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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