im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She bit a glass in half.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
