Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
