can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
two words: eviction party
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
