You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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