There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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