dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
