Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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