Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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