I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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