Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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