just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
