my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
