best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
