I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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