Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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