I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
