So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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