Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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