He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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