I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
