this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
