I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
