Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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