Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
