I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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