I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
