my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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