If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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