So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i out mim tonsoeep
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
