Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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