i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
