you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
