Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
