I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
