This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
