why didn't you poke me back
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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