Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
