i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
