You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
