fuck your aforementioned shoe
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
