the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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