I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
