hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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